BRISBANE-born missionary priest Fr Pat Connor has become an international hit with his first book entitled Whom Not To Marry. MATT EMERICK spoke to Fr Pat about the book and the worldwide publicity he’s receiving
IT was a wedding scene like any other.
The bride and groom standing at the altar ready to profess their love of each other before God.
But these nuptials came to an abrupt end when the bride-to-be chose to reply “no” to the question from Divine Word Missionary Father Pat Connor, “Do you take this man to be your husband …?”
This wedding was one of the many tales Fr Connor details in his book Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority.
“There was kind of a stunned silence,” Fr Pat said about the wedding.
“And everyone quietly dispersed. It took a lot of guts to do that.”
Having presided over more than 200 weddings and conducted pre-marriage and marriage counselling for more than 40 years, Fr Pat’s something of an expert.
Now he is sharing his wealth of experience on the subject with women everywhere.
He said in most interviews he’d done about the book he was asked one question most often.
“The first question out of the box is usually ‘How can you Father Pat, an unmarried priest who will not marry, how can you pontificate on married life?'” he said.
“And I try to disarm that criticism by saying ‘Yes indeed, as (German philosopher Johann) Goethe said there is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action’.
“And theoretically I am ignorant of married life, but I have counselled people whose marriages are in trouble for about 40 years, I’ve kept up with the literature, I firmly believe some of the great sitcoms – as the Americans call them – can teach you a lot about married life and I’m a priest. I hear confessions, which means I hear the dark side of human life, but I also hear stunning stories of conversion to balance off the dark ones.”
But Fr Pat is not surprised by worldwide attention the book is getting.
“It has nothing to do with me, but it has to do with the soaring divorce rate and the reasons why divorce is common,” he said.
“Divorce is so common now, many people say ‘why marry, it’s a risky business’.
“I felt it was quite natural that people would want to hear about Whom Not To Marry and to talk about it.”
For almost three decades Fr Pat’s been chaplain to Sacred Heart School in Princeton, New Jersey.
“I’ve been the chaplain there for 27 years, I’m retiring there this year, and I’ve spoken to the senior girls about this particular issue, because, as I say in the book, once you fall in love it’s difficult to use your brain, to use your intellect. Emotions can trump rationality,” he said.
“The other point I want to make to the girls is that you can be deeply in love with someone, to whom you cannot be successfully married.
“You can be deeply in love with a guy with an explosive temper, who succumbs to temptations of road rage.
“Don’t marry him.
“It’s all commonsense really.”
Fr Pat said a long-time friend who lives in Sydney, was talking about this to a young female friend of hers.
“And my friend said to her Fr Pat’s book is all about ‘commonsense, we all know this’ and the young woman said ‘Oh no, we young people need to hear this because we don’t hear it enough from our elders’. At least that is true in the States (USA).”
Fr Pat’s work in marriage guidance and counselling rose to prominence in the US after a column in the New York Times by Maureen Dowd.
But Fr Pat said the book and his work was about helping others create successful marriages.
“I try to disarm my readers my admitting my own weaknesses and ignorance. So far I’ve only had one bit of criticism, that was from a nun who said she found the constant repetition of ‘Fr Pat, Fr Pat, Fr Pat’ a bit too cloying,” he said.
“But otherwise there hasn’t been a single negative comment and I have some pretty tough-minded friends who wouldn’t hesitate to tell me it was all baloney.
“That’s been a gratifying aspect of the whole thing.”
Fr Pat said the book was directed at one group of readers.
“It’s mainly for young women and that is because young men won’t talk about these things,” he said.
“Women are more open to talking about relationships.
“I was at a dinner party recently and a woman said her best friend had broken off her engagement after reading the book.
“I thought I’m going to have to look out my door very carefully every morning.
“New Jersey is Mafia country, I might get my head blown off.”
Fr Pat said for many couples that lived together before marriage they found out quickly that marriage was very different.
“Even at a low level like dealing with money, the attitude you have when you are living together is different to the one you have when you are married,” he said.
“And that can cause problems.
“But this is where the long engagement is important and where the Church’s attempt to educate people who are thinking of getting married about marriage does a wonderful job.
“It helps to go into married life with your eyes open.”
Fr Pat firmly believes patience is the key to all marriages.
“I always like to give reasons why we urge certain virtues on people,” he said.
Fr Pat tells the story in his book about a family he was living with after his home burnt down.
He asked the mother of the family how she could keep her patience with such a hectic family life and so much going on on a daily basis.
Fr Pat said the mum replied “we’re Catholics here Pat, we believe in Original Sin, which means that every human being is basically flawed and it is folly to expect consistently rational behaviour from another human being”.
“That has always guided my efforts to be patient.
“When somebody behaves well I’m pleasantly surprised and that might sound cynical, but because we believe in Original Sin we are surprised when somebody overcomes it and refuses to succumb to various temptations.”
Fr Pat said the greatest teacher he ever had was a Divine Word Missionary who was utterly patient with the students.
“I never forgot that,” he said.
“I watched him treat us with the utmost courtesy, gentleness, gentlemanliness and total acceptance of us patiently. Those role models stay with you all your life.”
Fr Pat’s next big promotion of the book – he’s already appeared on the Today Show and in many US and international papers – is with the biggest daytime TV star in the world.
“I’m aiming at Oprah. If I get Oprah then the profits of the book will be enormous,” he said.
“I got an email from a friend in Bombay who said there was a column on the book in the leading Bombay paper.
“So that was interesting.
“I said maybe we could get a million Indian women to buy the book.”
And after 50 years of pastoral work Fr Pat is winding down his ministry as best he can.
“I’m gradually retiring from my pastoral work, but I want to do some more writing on a totally different subject, namely my life as a priest, it will be autobiographical,” he said.
“I’ll remain in the States … this is my home now, but I love going home to Brisbane every three years.”
“I was home last year to celebrate my 80th birthday, so I’ll be due again in 2012.”
Fr Pat’s journey to the priesthood began in Brisbane as a founding student of Marist College Ashgrove in 1940.
“I decided to become a missionary priest and I joined the Divine Word Missionaries, who had a seminary in Marburg, just outside of Ipswich.
“I did three years of study there, and then went to the States (USA) for six years and was ordained there in 1957.
“I volunteered for India and I was there for nine years. Then I had five years in Sydney, and with a chance to chance to go back to India.
“My bishop in India wanted me to get a masters degree in counselling, which was all the rage in those days.
“So I came to New York and went to Fordham University and then applied for my visa to go back to India, but the Indian government then and now bans all missionaries.
“So I was sentenced to live in New Jersey by my superiors. I’ve been here ever since.
“I describe myself as a travelling preacher, stamping out sin in New Jersey.”
Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority is available from Borders
