IT took 15 years for Amanda*, a professional woman in her late thirties, to take action against the violent behavior of her spouse.
During all those years Amanda, who worked in the government sector and had a close working relationship with child safety agencies, managed to hide the bruises and marks left from repeated strangulation – from her two children, and from work colleagues.
Finally, Amanda sought the help of Centacare.
“It’s not unusual for women to take a long time to take positive action to break the cycle of violence,” Patricia Gorman, Centacare Family and Relationship Services’ area manager for Wide Bay and South Burnett, said.
“They chose to wear a mask – hiding what is really going on in their lives so that other people don’t know.
Mrs Gorman said wearing a “mask” could be motivated by feelings of shame and guilt, fears about losing a career, coupled with a strong desire to protect children and other family members.
“So, a lot of these women stay silent,” she said.
“They may even work in the (child safety) sector but they won’t openly talk about their own DV experience because they feel extremely embarrassed by that.
“A lot of the violence is also hidden from the children. Women hide things because they don’t want them to be impacted.
“They also know how the system works and that child safety services will need to be involved, police will be involved – and that’s a lot of fear if it all goes wrong.”
For Amanda, coercive control tactics started soon after her relationship began, and the abuse escalated with the birth of their first child a few years later.
She suffered emotional abuse including putdowns about her parenting, and intimidation.
She was subjected to physical abuse when her partner punched her in the arm and threw a phone charger at her, hitting her in the head.
Her partner even made threats to falsify information to child safety officers and police about her.
Amanda felt trapped, yet she also felt overwhelmed by the prospect of leaving the relationship, because of how it would impact her ability to be the primary caregiver for her children.
She worried about the emotional wellbeing of her children and their ability to cope with any family changes.
Amanda also lived in fear that the violence would escalate. She was afraid her husband would try to kill her if she tried to leave, or turn the children against her.
“When Amanda finally engaged with us she wanted to be completely confidential. She didn’t want anyone but us knowing she was accessing the service,” Ms Gorman said.
“She didn’t want people feeling pity for her. Because people have an expectation that as a professional woman, she should know better, she should have seen the signs.
Tragically for Amanda, years of strangulation damage to the arteries in her throat, resulted in blood clots and a final, fatal stroke.
“For women, domestic violence can be soul-destroying and life-ending,” Anick de Reland, Senior Area Manager, Centacare Family and Relationship Services, said,
“DV is present far more than anybody can imagine. It could be people in our family who are subjected to it and we don’t know about it.”
Mrs de Reland said Centacare and Centacare practitioners could assist women to remove the mask; by creating a safe space where families could tell their darkest stories and someone would hear them with respect, help them be themselves and feel empowered.
However, resources are spread thin with 22,000 clients engaged in Centacare DV programs across SE Queensland last year.
A large percentage of all cases are considered high risk and involve child safety.
Centacare practitioners provide crisis intervention, counselling, safety planning and court support for women.
They also provide essential services, including post- crisis housing and long-term case management and support.
Mrs de Reland said Centacare needed donations to help deliver its vital work.
“When a woman is escaping violence, everything is left behind,” she said.
“In the first instance, donations can help purchase vouchers for petrol and for buying groceries, clothes, and baby needs. School children require uniforms, shoes, bags and the IT equipment they will use in class – otherwise they will stand out very quickly in class.”
Mrs de Reland said money is also needed to pay rental accommodation and equip women to “move on with their families and become independent”.
*(not her real name)
