It isn’t easy being a grandparent who has full-time care of your grandchildren, especially at Christmas. PETER BUGDEN reports:
‘WE try to make it a happy time for our little one,’ said Mary, as she geared up for Christmas.
It’s the natural goal of every Mum and Dad at this time of year, except the ‘parents’ of this ‘little one’, an 11 year-old, are the grandparents.
Mary and Jack are the full-time carers of Jessica because her 33 year-old mother is unable to fulfil the role.
According to Federal Government estimates, Jessica is one of more than 27,700 Australian children under the age of 15 years living with their grandparents only.
A national forum in Melbourne in April was told this increasing role of grandparents in caring for their grandchildren is part of an international trend.
Federal Minister for Family and Community Services, Senator Kay Patterson, at a Canberra forum on grandparenting in May, said the main reasons that grandparents these days take on full-time care for their grandchildren are substance abuse, imprisonment, mental illness, family breakdown, disability, and death or absence of one or both parents.
Mary said her daughter ‘couldn’t cope’, because of drug and alcohol problems, and was neglectful of her two children.
‘She didn’t marry, and had two children to the same father, but he’s never supported them,’ Mary said.
‘We’ve been the carers for them on and off for eight years.’
In June the elder of the two granddaughters, almost 14, moved out to live with friends. She has no contact with her mother.
‘Ours is just a sad, sad story,’ Mary said.
‘It’s not really a happy time at Christmas because of all the separation. We don’t really enjoy it that much. We make the most of it and we try to make it a happy time for our little one.’
It’s a struggle for Jack and Mary, both in their 70s and living on the Sunshine Coast.
Jack quips, ‘This was not part of our retirement plan.’
‘But we’re coping quite well. It gets a little stressful at times … when you feel the children need more than you can give.
‘We can’t go on holidays … well, I suppose we could, but we’ve always got children with us.
‘When we go to visit our friends, the little one doesn’t want to come because it’s all old people.
‘I have no choice really, other than to put them into care. There’s no way in the world I’d let them live in foster care.’
Mary is quick to reply when asked what were the rewards. ‘The love of the grandchildren … having the grandchildren so close,’ she said.
‘It makes you stay as young as you can. There are a lot of pleasures in it.’
Two things have helped Jack and Mary cope – a support group called GaGS (Grandparents and Grandchildren Society) and their Catholic faith.
‘GaGS has been wonderful. They’ve been a big help to us.
‘And I don’t know how we’d get on without our faith.’
Mary says ‘there’s always the hope things may get better as the children get older and they may have more contact with their mother’.
‘That’s all I hope and pray for. At the moment there’s not a hope – financially and otherwise.’
Another grandmother, Nancy, 60, is in a similar situation but she is doing it on her own.
The Brisbane pensioner has two grand-daughters, aged 9 and 11, living with her, and she has also cared for older grandchildren from the same family – a young man who is now 20 and his 18 year-old sister.
They are the children of Nancy’s 38 year-old daughter but they have different fathers.
Nancy said she had practically raised her 20 year-old grandson and the eldest of the girls from birth.
‘They spent every weekend with me and all the holidays.
‘They’ve always been at risk, because of their mother’s drug addiction, and then prostitution and theft.’
When the younger girls were born Nancy found she was too old to care for them as babies, and they did not come to live with her full-time until they were four and six.
‘I’ve got another nine years at least of raising children,’ she said.
‘I’m looking forward to nine years down the track – seeing [the youngest granddaughter] turning 18, having given her a good grounding in life, confident and able to walk out in the world.
‘It’s not just me seeing them to the age of 18 – it’s them living to the end of their time.’
Nancy did not agree that caring for her grandchildren had kept her young.
‘It’s kept me active,’ she said.
Having all the children with her permanently came at great financial cost to Nancy.
‘I was running my own business from home. With the young ones so demanding of attention I couldn’t go on working.
‘I had to give up my business and go on the pension to look after them. My savings have gradually been eaten up …’
Nancy says the stress levels have increased as the children get older. She also said she did not feel closer to her grandchildren because of caring for them.
‘You lose them. They’re not your grandchildren anymore. They’re your children. I love them dearly but there’s no closeness.
‘You lose that closeness that I had with the older two.’
Nancy says there is no chance of the children returning to their mother.
‘She still hasn’t got her life together. She’s still in the drug scene.
‘I take the children to see her at least once a term. Prior to Christmas we’ll go and see her … and see a movie.’
GaGS and her faith have also been lifelines for Nancy, who is a member of the Uniting Church.
‘I think if I didn’t have my faith, I would have wilted long before this. I find solace in my prayer.
‘With the two youngest I insist Sunday morning is mine, and they will come to church with me. The rest of the week is for them,’ Nancy said.
‘My daily Bible reading and my prayer I gather strength from.’
To contact GaGS (Grandparents and Grandchildren Society) phone founder Deanne O’Keefe on (02) 6362 1229, or in Queensland, phone (0401) 969 343.
The people in this story are real, but their names have been changed to respect the privacy of the children concerned.
