THERE has been a lot of media coverage and watercooler conversation around the death of Prince Philip, the Queen’s devoted husband of over 70 years.
Whilst our hearts go out to the Queen and her family, it must also be acknowledged that a joyful, loving, relationship of that length is something to celebrate – and even to emulate. The importance of a vibrant happy marriage in the life of the Church is reflected in Pope Francis’ words, “The Joy of Love experienced by families is also the Joy of the Church.” (Amoris Laetitia).
But what does that mean in practical terms? Relationship experts and co-founders of Lighthouse Relationships, Megan and Nahum Kozak, say that we can all take steps to build a strong, happy relationship that goes the distance.
“Research shows there are some key, learnable strategies that distinguish what happy and unhappy couples do with their time and energy,” Megan said.
It is not as hard as you would think.
“Couples assume they need to make massive changes to alter the trajectory of a relationship, but that just isn’t the case,” Nahum said, who sees couples regularly in his psychology practice. “It’s the small things that add up over time to make a relationship strong, safe, and happy”.
Here are six easy strategies, supported by research, that couples can adopt to build their happiness and strengthen their relationship.
Tip One – Start the day well
Happy couples put in a minute or two of effort every morning before parting for the day to find out one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day.
Ask questions to learn both the exciting and ordinary things that are planned for your partner’s day.
“This one simple act can increase the sense of feeling known by your partner and actively reduce the risk of drifting apart,” Megan said.
Tip Two – Kiss and Tell
When greeting your partner at the end of the day, there are two simple ways to build connection.
Kiss – A six second kiss at the end of the day helps keep romance alive, in part because six seconds is long enough to cause the body to release oxytocin, a hormone related to feelings of warmth and closeness.
Tell – Find 10 minutes (this might be after the kids have gone to bed) to listen to your partner describe the highs and lows of the day; and then share your own.
The trick here isn’t to ‘fix’ or find solutions for anything your partner shares, but just to listen and empathise.
“Creating a shared understanding of one another’s experience of the day lets your partner know you really are there for them,” Nahum said.
Tip Three – Appreciation and admiration
“Taking time to think about what you appreciate in your partner has an enormous impact on the happiness of your marriage,” Megan said.
Studies linking gratitude to marital satisfaction are nothing new, with a 2015 study based at the University of Georgia showing the power of ‘thank you’.
The study concluded that couples with higher appreciation of their partner have higher marital satisfaction.
Couples can show appreciation in a variety of ways.
Some couples verbalise their gratitude, while others leave notes on the fridge or send a quick text message.
Nahum said it can “give a real sense of perspective, and hope”.
Tip Four – Physical affection
Physical affection is an important part of married life and this does not just mean sexual intimacy.
Research shows that happy couples take five minutes a day before falling asleep to embrace one another.
“With full time jobs and two young children, life is busy,” Nahum said.
“But usually Megan and I can make time for five minutes a day just to hold each other.”
Couples use this time to talk, to pray or even just to be still with each other.
These small moments make a positive difference to a couple’s feelings of connection.
Tip Five – Date night
“This one can take a little co-ordination, but is worth it,” Megan said.
“Having a date night, ideally weekly, is an investment in romance and closeness that fills up our emotional bank account for the week ahead.”
For couples with children, this can be a great opportunity to arrange some regular grandparent sleepovers or connect with other couples to book in some reciprocal babysitting.
“On the date itself, ask each other some open-ended questions,” Nahum said.
“People are always evolving, and so we need to keep up to date with our partners likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams.”
Tip Six – State of the union
The last thing that happy couples do is invest time sharing things that are working and that aren’t working.
“We take this from the research by the Gottman Institute,” Nahum said.
“It’s an exercise called ‘the State of the Union’.”
Couples set aside half an hour each week to share with each other three things they appreciate about the relationship.
“Giving your partner concrete examples of the kinds of things you appreciate allows them to know what you’d like to have continue – what you appreciate, appreciates,” Nahum said.
The second step is to take turns sharing one small thing you’d like to do differently over the next week.
“Don’t make it an endless list,” Nahum said.
“Focus on one small thing and stay gentle, calm and focussed.”
With these six research-based keys to a lasting marriage, couples can feel better equipped to pursue the “joy of love”, a vocation uplifting one another, their families, and, by extension, the whole Church.
Megan and Nahum assist couples with pre-marriage preparation and relationship enrichment. Couples seeking more advice are invited to visit their blog at the Lighthouse Relationships website www.lighthouserelationships.com.au.
