By Megan and Nahum Kozak
HE popped the question and she said “Yes!” Now what? So much planning goes into the wedding, but what about the marriage?
As Pope Francis said in October 2016, “Marriage is the most beautiful thing that God created.”
Relationship experts and co-founders of Lighthouse Relationships, Megan and Nahum Kozak, wholeheartedly agree with Pope Francis’ sentiments.
Here they explain that in order to build a beautiful marriage, there are eight important ‘Conversations of the Heart’ which need to happen before a couple says, “I do.”
Conversation One: Family Ties
Was your upbringing more rule-bound or laissez-faire; were you ‘in each other’s pockets’ or more individualistic?
“Family is a major influence, setting us up for what we think of as ‘normal’,” Megan said.
“But it can be a shock to realise down the track that your partner’s ‘normal’ and your ‘normal’ are quite different!” It’s important to be mindful of this as you prepare for marriage.
Before “I do”: List what you loved about your upbringing, as well as what you’d do differently. Compare notes and use this as a ‘blueprint’ for the new family you are forming.
Conversation Two: Fanning the Flame
Love comes in stages – the first, falling in love, lasts six months to 2 years.
“This involves elation, obsession, sexual excitement… and rose coloured glasses,” Nahum said. “Ultimately that’s not sustainable – and love then matures to the second stage of building trust, where we discover how to love our partner in ways that most meet their needs.”
Knowing your partner’s ‘love language’ is one such method of exploring needs in order to fan the flame for the long term.
Nahum cited research by Dr Theresa Crenshaw. “Her work shows that a great sex life for the long term depends on building a trusting emotional connection.”
Before “I do”: Discover your partner’s ‘Love Language’ by taking the quiz at. 5_Love_Languages.
Conversation Three: Take the Pressure Down
None of us are our best when we are stressed! “It is important to learn how to manage stress within relationships because it is something we experience in every season of life, whether it’s wedding planning, the death of a loved one or even a history of trauma”, said Megan. “Sharing about struggles and listening to your partner’s story with warmth and empathy is a crucial element of building intimacy.”
Before “I do”: Finish this sentence with your partner, “Something that is stressing me out at the moment is…” When it is your turn to listen, simply respond with warmth – you don’t need to ‘fix’ the problem.
Conversation Four: Fight Fair
Can conflict be relationship-affirming? “Absolutely!” said Nahum. “Being able to disagree without name-calling, blaming or demanding is a skill that can be learned.” There are different styles of couple conflict, but in order for it to benefit the relationship it needs to have the 5:1 ratio, which is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Couples with too much negativity and couples who avoid all negativity, are both more likely to be unhappy. It’s all in the balance.
Before “I do”: Find out what your couple communication style by taking the quiz at
Conversation Five: Money Matters
Although wedding vows include the phrase, “For richer or poorer”, in daily life, this can be hard. According to a 2017 Australian study, money is the leading cause of stress in a relationship. “Often, one person tends to be a ‘saver’ and one is more of a ‘spender’”, said Megan. “Left undiscussed, one partner can feel like their hard work is being undermined, and the other may be completely unaware of any wrongdoing.” It is important get on the same page about each person’s financial hopes, dreams and expectations.
Before “I do”: Together, write down one financial goal and create a plan to get there.
Conversation Six: Fun, Friends and Family
In laws, out laws, my friends, your friends, us time, me time… How do we balance it all? “Boundaries”, answered Nahum. “While it is important to maintain connections with our support people, we need to make choices that honour both partner’s needs.” This can be a hot-button issue, as partners can have quite different expectations around socialising, family connection and individual time. Happy couples are honest about what they need and support their partner’s boundaries.
Before “I do”: Discuss how often you would like to see family and friends each week/month. ‘Boundaries in Marriage’ (by Drs Cloud and Townsend), is a valuable resource.
Conversation Seven: Home Sweet Home
Historically, the division of household responsibilities has been gender-based, with women traditionally managing the home as the primary caregiver for children. “Although women have become increasingly involved in the workplace, a 2020 report from the Australian Institute of Family Studies explains that the division of household labour and childcare has barely changed over decades”, Megan explained. Research shows that happy couples find ways to share the household load and appreciate one another’s contribution.
Before “I do”: Read the blog Why is your partner so awesome… but can’t put socks in the wash? Make a list of all current/anticipated household duties, and decide who will complete each task.
Conversation Eight: Spiritual Connection
How do you walk through life together if you and your partner don’t share a similar understanding of God? “For some couples, faith is the glue that holds their relationship together, whereas for others, each partner might have quite a different understanding of spirituality”, said Nahum. It is important to share your faith, while respecting your partner’s beliefs, and make decisions together around how you will connect with the Church community.
Before “I do”: Go on a ‘faith date’, and introduce your partner to the things that make you feel closest to God – adoration, journaling at a café, bushwalking, etc.
Want to know more? Megan and Nahum invite you to visit www.lighthouserelationships.com.au for more relationship tips and insights. Megan and Nahum support couples in pre-marriage education, relationship enrichment and couples counselling.
