By Byron and Francine Pirola
WE’VE all been in that situation.
A friend or relative confides in us that they are having some marriage trouble.
We want to help but knowing what to do that is genuinely helpful is tricky. Here are a few tips to keep in mind.
1. Listen. Use your best listening skills: give your full attention, validate the thoughts, emotions and needs expressed: “What I hear you saying is …”
2. Balance. While it’s important for your friend to have a safe place to air their grievances, it’s generally not helpful for them to have a rant session with the both of you getting stuck into the absent spouse.
Try to keep some balance – let them voice their grievances but also encourage them to think about it from their spouse’s side also.
Tell your friend that you are going to be the voice of their spouse so that you articulate for them what might be going on in their spouse’s head.
3. Professional Help. Unfortunately, not all counselling is good for a couple’s marriage. Many counsellors, while well intentioned, are not specifically trained in marriage counselling and though they may be capable therapists for individual work, they may lack the specialised skills necessary to deal with a conflicted couple.
Moreover, many counsellors are trained to optimise the individual’s wellbeing and will thus view the marriage as a negative influence in their client’s recovery.
If you refer a couple to counselling, find someone you can trust to represent the interests of the marriage and who will work to save the marriage.
4. Marriage Education. Surprisingly, marriage education is often as effective as counselling in helping couples to restore or reset the relationship.
In fact, the intensive nature of many of these courses (over a weekend) can help couples breakthrough an impasse and re-establish connection.
It’s not uncommon on the SmartLoving Marriage seminars to have couples with entrenched difficulties successfully resolve their significant issues through the structured process.
In addition, sometimes one spouse won’t go to counselling, but they will consider a marriage education class. Some encouragement from a friend to try this may be all it takes to get them along.
5. Pray. So often we overlook the power of prayer to bring real change into a situation. Holding this couple in your prayer intentions is a gift you can always give.
Praying with one or both of the spouses is especially powerful and is often the most effective intervention.
Most marriages that end in divorce are not abusive, violent or seriously dysfunctional; usually couples just drift apart and, in their hurt and disillusionment, eventually give up.
What they need from friends who really care is to give them hope, not to reinforce their hopelessness with unhelpful statements like “you don’t deserve that” or “you can do better elsewhere”.
Often when couples are hurt they lose their perspective and need others to help them to see clearly. Friends and family can often make the difference; not through heroic interventions but through patient attentiveness, a balanced perspective and sincere prayer.
Francine and Byron Pirola are the co-authors of the SmartLoving Series. Visit www.smartloving.org for information.
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