FOR too long has suicide been treated as a taboo topic and the suicidal person been treated as a ‘manipulator’ or an ‘attention seeker’.
But, before we do this, let me challenge you.
How do you refer to a mentally ill person?
Do you say he/she has ‘gone round the twist’ or ‘gone off at the deep end’ or even used the terms ‘gone nutty’ or ‘crazy’?
What do you call a hospital for the mentally ill?
Do you refer to it as the ‘funny farm’, the ‘nut house’ or the ‘looney bin’?
And what about the doctor who cares for the mentally ill?
Do you call him/her the ‘shrink’?
All of these terms are derogatory and do not lead a person to talk about the black world they live in, neither do they help the survivor of a suicide death to come out and seek support in their pain.
For the first time, suicide is rated as the top killer in Australian society. It has placed road accident deaths in second place.
What is happening in our ‘lucky’ country that is creating feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness and desperation which lead people to see that suicide is the only answer?
Before we can help the suicidal person, we need to understand suicide and remove some of the myths and misconceptions which get in our way.
By removing the following myths from our vocabulary we may be able to offer the help which makes the difference.
These myths are the result of research done by Margaret Appleby and Margaret Condonis in their book Hearing the Cry.
- People who think or plan suicide keep their thoughts to themselves and the suicide occurs without warning. Eight out of 10 people give suicide warnings, be they verbal or non-verbal, and we must respond to them in a serious and caring manner.
- Those who talk about suicide won’t do it. Suicide spoken about, thought about or attempted, is a ‘cry for help’. If we don’t respond to this cry, tragedy may be the result.
- People who talk about suicide are attention seeking‘ This is not true. It is a cry for help which must be taken seriously and responded to. It’s better to err on the right side than on the wrong side.
- Suicidal people are intent on dying. Most suicidal people give warning signs. If they are intent on dying they would not talk about it.
- Talking openly about suicide may cause a suicidal person to end his/her life. Again this is not true. If we listen caringly to such people, we are giving them permission to talk; we are showing them we care and we want to be with them in their pain.
- All suicidal people are “crazy”. It’s the act of a mentally ill or psychotic person. The majority of people who commit suicide are people like you and me. They do not have a diagnosed mental illness. They are just burdened by the stresses of life and they feel they cannot go on – they have reached their limits and can cope no longer.
- Only certain types of people attempt suicide or think about suicide. Suicidal thoughts and feelings can come to anyone no matter what race, colour, creed or age they may be. Many successful suicides are often attempted suicides or ‘cries for help’ gone wrong. They were not found in time.
Are we prepared to allow people in our community to take such drastic measures before their ‘cry for help’ gets heard or will we become more aware of the danger signs they are sending out and find them support, if we are unable to give that caring and loving support ourselves?
When people talk, write or hint about suicide take them seriously and provide help. We want to save lives not lose them.
Those who have had previous attempts at suicide are telling us they are not coping very well with life and are asking for our help.
Depressed people must also be taken seriously. Depression can be found in children, adolescents and in the elderly.
In our society adults are allowed to be depressed but very often children are not.
Hence, if they are seen lying in bed, sitting in front of the television or not wanting to attend school, they are seen as displaying behaviour problems and, very often they are punished.
How do we detect depression? The following signs (again from Hearing the Cry by Margaret Appleby and Margaret Condonis) can be a guide to us:
- Loss of interest in usual activities.
- Showing signs of sadness, hopelessness or irritability.
- Changes in appetite and/or weight.
- Changes in sleep patterns, sleeping longer or shorter times or broken sleep.
- Changes in behaviour, becoming withdrawn, agitated or angry.
- Loss of energy, tiredness or overactivity.
- Making negative comments about self.
- Finding it hard to concentrate.
- Having suicidal thoughts or dwelling on death.
When an extremely depressed person suddenly feels better and more at peace, it could well mean that he/she has reached the decision to kill him/herself.
We must never take lightly feelings of helplessness, or hopelessness, seeing people withdrawing from family and friends or giving away possessions.
They are signs that something is wrong and the only way we can know is by asking.
It is not only teenagers and adolescents that are likely targets for suicide. A small percentage of under teen years and a bigger percentage of the elderly are also at risk.
Old age is a time of many losses – losses of social roles, of health and of loved ones etc. Loneliness and severe depression often accompany such losses, making the elderly especially vulnerable to suicide.
While the physical body is breaking down changes like moving to nursing homes, changing locality, change in income and social standing can be very traumatic for them and so they require much sensitive and loving support from their carers.
What about the survivors of suicide deaths?
Very often these withdraw from others following the suicide death of a loved one and this is caused by the stigma which society puts on a suicide death.
It is time this stigma was removed to allow such people to reach out for support so that they do not have to travel what seems to be a long and unending journey by themselves. Survivors need to be listened to, accepted and cared for without feeling that they or their families are being judged.
What I want to say to all the survivors out there is – there is nothing wrong with you, your families or your loved one who has ended his/her life by suicide.
The MacKillop Community Services Qld Ltd Grief and Bereavement Ministry at 81 Granite St, Geebung can offer you the care you need.
All you have to do is contact us during office hours from Monday to Friday by phoning (07) 3865 8644 or (0417) 747 984 and we will arrange to be there for you or help you to join a support group when/if you need it.
Let me conclude with an extract from a poem written by Mary Marland (1990):
Don’t let them die friends
don’t let them die
Be there to hear them
and comfort their cry
When they are sinking
(No hope anywhere)
They reach for a lifeline
It’s urgent you’re there.
Sr Anne Howley is a Josephite Sister and runs the MacKillop Community Services Qld Ltd Grief and Bereavement Ministry in Brisbane.
[divider]
